One Wing

These past two days have been ruff.  I finished my interviews only to discover on yesterday that the second digital recorder I had purchased didn't have a USB outlet which would allow me to send my interviews to Sharon, the lady who would be doing the transcribing.  When I told Sharon what I had discovered you would have thought this was her dissertation that was on the line.  We brainstormed for about an hour before I came up with the bright idea to purchase another recorder and place them together to transfer the interviews.  So with a frown on my face and a major headache I took another field trip to Best Buy and purchased my third digital recorder.  I decided to stay with the Sony family because I had finally figured out how to work the one that I used to record the interviews and my brain couldn't take too much more learning.  This "fancier" one is a Sony ICD-PX333, a cute little black gadget.  After my trip to Best Buy I returned to my office where I spent two hours sitting on the floor transferring the interviews (pressed record on the new recorder and play on the old one, genius I know).  It was emotional listening to the interviews of my former students because I began to realize just how much I missed teaching social work and how much of an impact they believed I had made as a professor.  It was also amazing to see how a few words from others could transform your research.  Once I finished the transfers I honestly didn't have the energy to try and figure out how to get them from the recorder to my computer, so I called it a day.  As I was headed home from my office my SUV decided that it didn't want to act right, WTH?!  Some light came on indicating that my engine was running low on power! My temple started to throb.  All I wanted to do was get home.  Sitting on the side of the road was not an option, especially not at night.  It was dark, the temperature had dropped and I was about to have a nervous break down.  I called my brother who stayed on the phone with me until I got home. I think I finally cried around 8pm. I had been flying with one wing.
This morning I got up around 5:30 with a little more energy and hope than I had on yesterday.  I spent approximately two hours teaching myself how to transfer the interviews, and setting up an account with Dropbox so I could email them (I discovered that regular email can't handle the large files).  I felt anxious as I pressed send, with my finger crossed I was hoping that I had did everything right and they would arrive to Sharon okay.  I got teary eyed when she emailed me back and told me she had received them.  I wrote for an hour and then decided that 3 hours was all I could muster today in dissertation stuff.  These past two days I felt every bit of 45.  The fight with technology and now my truck, I'm getting to old for this crap! But on the bright side I think I'm finally starting to understand why some people who have a PhD are a little weird or "off."  It's stuff like this that can make or break you emotionally, but me and my one wing are holding on... 
So to answer the question that I know you're thinking.  Yes, my truck is still freaking broke, but that's a good excuse to sit in my house and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.  So with my feet propped up, I'm going to watch this Little People marathon on TLC (interesting show and yes, I have a thing for reality t.v.) while surfing the internet looking for another vehicle.  And in the meantime I'm going to try very hard not to lose it or worst, cry. 

This Christmas

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...well no one except me that is.  Today I started off this Christmas a little differently.  In the past you could catch me hiding in my bedroom wrapping gifts and preparing to play Santa for my kids at 5 in the morning, but today I woke up and worked on my dissertation.  Yesterday I finished my last interview and this morning I was bursting with a new concept for how to bring forth my personal narrative which is being included in my dissertation.  There was a sense of urgency as I pecked out the concept. I had to get it out of my head, before I forgot.  I'm not a young and vibrant student, so sometimes I do forget things and it will take me a minute to remember.  With this dissertation I can't afford to waste anytime waiting until a thought decides to come back to me, so over the last 3 years I've learned to write when the spirit moves me!
Inspired by the interviews from this past week, I had been on the grind interviewing a total of 7 participants since Saturday.  I am not going to lie, it's been a long process, from inboxing former students on Facebook, to having them fill out an online survey, to these interviews.  I've watched the number of possible participants dwindle from 20 to 9 and now 7, but I'm not complaining.  Unlike collecting numbers, hearing someones personal story just does something for me. I really enjoyed listening to them and seeing my research come to life through their eyes.  They added meaning to all the big words and theoretical frameworks and at the end of the morning, as I saw my dissertation transform yet once again, my participants made me remember why all of this was relevant and getting my PhD is so important. 

Epic Fail

If I thought writing the first three chapters of my dissertation kicked my butt I was wrong, wrong, and wrong.  So today I conducted my first interview for my dissertation research.  Last night I purchased a digital recorder.  While I was in the store I asked the clerk if they had any recorders that used tape versus this digital thing.  The clerk laughed and said digital was the new thing and they had stopped carrying tape recorders.  Reluctantly I made the purchase and had my 13 year old son to give me a crash course on how to use it.  So when my first participate came to my office this morning I was like "YES!"  I was excited and eager to get started.  I went through all the steps that my son had shown me and for a brief moment I felt emotional. There is something about watching your "idea" finally come to life.  I wasn't nervous, but I was on edge hoping that everything would go right, because of the deadline that I am on, it had too. 

Well after catching up we got started, and I must admit, the interview went well.  I would glance at the recorder frequently to ensure that it was working, which it was.  Once we finished, I turned the recorder off smiling like a kid on Christmas Day.  I was excited because I had successfully made it through my first interview (pumps fist in the air).  Well after my participant left I decided to listen to the interview and can you say epic fail?!  (Insert crying emoji face here).  Like what the hell?  I frantically clicked every damn button and there was no interview.  All that was on the recorder was my son mumbling doing a test check from the night before.  "Noooooooo!" I screamed, as  I almost slung it across the room until I remembered this digital crap box had cost me more than 70 bucks.  So instead of throwing it I shoved it back inside of the boxing and threw it in the shopping bag and marched out of my office mad as hell. Yes, I really was an angry black woman in that moment!  I probably had stem coming out of my head and had grown a pair of horns. While driving to the store to return this modern piece of garbage, I took a moment to call my participant.  He laughed, "Let me guess...it didn't record."  All I could do was laugh with him as I replied no.  Moral of this dissertation research story...have more than one recorder and it's okay to be old fashion.  Tomorrow I'll be in search of an "old fashion" recorder, you know, the one that uses a tape and I dare the sales clerk to laugh at me this time.  

Rat Race

Okay, so today wasn't such a good day.  For the last 3 months I've been applying for teaching and administration positions at various institutions of higher learning in the State of Louisiana.  My main reason for trying to remain in the state is because of my kids; one is a junior in high school and has asked to be allowed the opportunity to finish out his senior year at his home school, and my youngest son will be entering high school next year.  But what happens after you've applied to every institution imaginable and the answer is always no. 

Today I received yet another rejection letter regarding a position I had applied for.  Funny thing was, I emailed my application packet and not less than 5 minutes later I received an email stating that the position had been filled. WTH?!  Yes, those were my first thoughts before a flood of tears begin to fall from my eyes. (I really wanted that job! and I'm not good with rejection when it comes to employment.)  I've been a successful social worker since 1996, licensed in the State of Louisiana, and I must admit that I'm damn good at what I do, but since switching to higher education I'm finding myself having to start all over again which sucks.
The hurt comes because I've taught in institutions of higher learning and I've made a difference.  I love teaching and I enjoy working on a college campus. So today I was a little discouraged.  Okay, maybe a lot!  As I write this blog post I'm finding myself not wanting any sympathetic pats on the back or the feel good comments like "this job just wasn't the right one for you."  Today I want to sulk and be left alone as I take a moment and have a silent meltdown, one that's filled with a lot of unhealthy foods, reality tv, Kleenex, and a few choice cuss words, before getting back up in the morning and coming up with a new plan A. 

It Ain't Over

Well, today I defended my dissertation proposal and officially was given the green light by my committee to move forward.  The defense lasted approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes, which isn't too bad.  I was asked to leave the room once the defense started and my committee briefly discussed my proposal (I guess...not sure what they really do in those moments).  When I was asked to return to the room they allowed me to speak for 9 minutes and this time they asked me to just summarize my study versus giving my prepared presentation. This is where preparation becomes your best friend and knowing your research helps you tremendously!  So in less than 9 minutes I talked about changes that I had made based on my committee suggestions from my general exam and how I planned to execute my research. 

My committee gave me some valuable feedback including more books and articles to read (I literally wanted to cry at that point.  I am almost legally blind from all of the reading I've already done).  They also discouraged me from using a transcriber for my interviews and a computer software such as NVivo.  Instead, they encouraged me to transcribe my own interviews, and code them using files I establish in Microsoft Word.  As the song We've Only Just Begun began to play in my head, I thought to myself, this ain't over!  I heard what they were saying and again, I understood their points, but I still wanted to cry.  Being a single mom, and having a thriving private practice, in my mind I was trying to figure out when in the hell will I get all of this done!  Most people believe that the hardest part is formulating the first three chapters of your dissertation, and it could be, but collecting and analyzing data is also challenging and when you throw in another round of changes... yes, I still want to cry! Well fortunate for me the Christmas Holidays are approaching and I usually close my counseling practice for 2 weeks, so I guess I'll be interviewing participants, transcribing interviews and coding...Ho, Ho, Ho.  I must say that I am excited that I have finally reached this point in my research journey, but I still have a long way to go.  So as I pull out my wonder woman cape, let's interview, let's transcribe and let's graduate! (And yes, I am crying...). 

The Dreaded Night Before

Tomorrow I am scheduled to defend my dissertation proposal.  I should be nervous, but after successfully going through my general exam defense back in September, I am feeling pretty confident.  I think several factors contribute to my current confidence: I had approximately one month to go in and make revisions and prepare for my dissertation proposal defense, but lucky me, my dissertation chair went on a month long trip to Chile and my co-chair got married, so my proposal defense was pushed back to December.  So during that time I applied for and was approved by the LSU Institutional Review Board (IRB) and had time to present the rough draft of my defense to my Narrative Writing class.  I've also found new information that would support my dissertation, including works by bell hooks, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors when it comes to writings about education.

In preparing for my defense on tomorrow I did four things over this weekend: 1) Got my hair done.  You can not walk in your defense looking a hot mess! 2) Purchased a nice professional dress. Yes, you need to present yourself as a professional, so please leave your flip flops and slogan tees at home. 3) Printed out a copy of my proposal.  Please, please, please be prepared, because after my general exam I realized that they will ask you specific questions and you need your copy to see what they are referring too. 4) And prepared a 9 minute presentation.  Yes, you've shown them in writing that you know what you are talking about now you have to prove it!   
Well I'm off to time myself on this presentation (yes, they time you and my chair will cut you off if you go over) and then relax.  I'll make sure to update everyone on tomorrow! Wish me luck!!!!!